Last year I joined the NUS International Relations Committee
as a publicity officer. In addition to gaining valuable experience, it would
also secure on campus accommodation for me. There was a big event coming up and everyone in the committe was working hard towards making that event a success. For two semesters I attended all meetings discussing on ways to promote the event further and worked on designing posters, banners and t-shirts for it.
I worked under a friend of mine who was the publicity team’s
head officer. During meetings sometimes we had our fair share of differences. There
were a few times when I questioned his ideas and pitched some of my own ideas
instead, which were granted by the higher officials. After a few of these disagreements,
I could feel his behaviour was getting colder towards me. But I didn’t pay too much attention
to it as I thought they were only temporary and became busy with the event instead. In time, the event was successfully held and we were done with our roles
in the committee.
At the end of the semester they released the names of the
members who got their accommodation confirmed. My name was not on the list. I
was stunned and couldn’t understand the reason behind this as the committee had
enough quota to recommend everyone who needed housing. I was upset because not
getting accommodation meant I had to move out of campus. It meant I had to stay away from all my friends on campus and also meant long dail commutes to and from the university, not to mention the added expense of transportation and higher rent for off campus housing.
I contacted the committee’s director himself and informed
him about the situation. The director told me I wasn’t offered accommodation
because according to him, I hadn’t even applied for it! After a bit of
investigation I found out my aforementioned friend “forgot” to include my name
on the list of people who needed accommodation. I couldn't believe he could do this to me! It seemed pretty evident at that point that he did this on purpose just to put me in trouble. It was then when I understood he hadn't forgotten about those disagreements and held a grudge against me all this time.
So, how could I have avoided a situation like this, where my
own friend sabotages my housing arrangement?
Hi Hasan,
ReplyDeleteI think the focus should not be so much him sabotaging your housing accommodation as it should be about his vindictive intentions. I assume you are not questioning the act per se rather, his behavior and what led him to hold such a grudge.
I suppose it could be a question of your friend's ego. Perhaps also, he has had past experiences which led him to hold grudges easily. We cannot be sure. I suppose no one is in a position to try and control how he feels about what you had done earlier. Having said that, I certainly feel that more could have been on your part to prevent what ensued from happening. And in doing so, you are being optimistic that all is not lost in such a situation because you can control certain things. For example, when your ideas were picked over his, you could have "consulted" him and asked for suggestions on how to improve since he was your supervisor after all. This would help in lessening the blow to his ego. By doing that, you are trying not to appear as a threat to his authority but rather, as a partner working with him.
In my honest opinion, a little more self awareness would have gone a long way too. Perhaps your method of conveying your differing views seemed insulting to him, or perhaps he is someone who is particularly proud of his authority and you could have taken that into consideration when speaking to him. Also, I don't think you mentioned that you knew your friend was in charge of nominating people for the housing accomodation. If you had known, I suppose, especially since you could feel his behavior getting colder, you could have been more wary and anticipated such a thing especially in lieu of the things at stake.
In any case, I do wish you have gotten the on-campus housing accommodation you wanted. If you have not, and if I were in your position, I would hound your friend and urge the higher authorities to push him into acknowledging his "forgetful mistake" and taking up the responsibility of correcting it. That, or he pays for any inconvenience caused which may be a little extreme. Perhaps a less forceful approach could be to approach the aforementioned higher authorities to settle it with them yourself.
Just a few suggestions on the post.
1. gaining valuable experience >>> gaining invaluable experience
2. discussing on ways >>> discussing ways
3. to promote the event further >>> to further promote the event
4. also meant long dail commutes >>> also meant long daily commutes
5. it was then when I understood >>> it was then that I understood
6. and held a grudge against me all this time >>> and had held a grudge against me all this time (I'm not too sure if this should be all these times or all this time. I hope someone can clarify this. Alternatively, you might consider using "the whole time" to be safer)
Cheers,
Hakeem
Thanks a lot for the reply Hakeem. I know being self aware would have helped, but I never thought he would react in such a way. I didn't actually attack him or anything, I just suggested my ideas with due respect to his. Anyway, I did get the accommodation by appealing and told the club's director he mistakenly left my name out. So it's all fine now.
DeleteAnd thanks for pointing out all the language mistakes. I will be more careful next time.
Hi Hasan,
ReplyDeletethe situation you described is interesting for me as I cannot believe somebody can take his revenge so seriously.
As you wrote, everybody in your team was working hard to make the event successful, so it is clear and understandable that there were some disagreements among people in team as everyone wants to highlight his own ideas to contribute them and make the event better.
However, right in the moment you noticed something is wrong in relationship between you and your friend, I would suggest to talk to him personally and in privacy about what is important about the event from your point of view and his one too. Just to make clear your opinions and make sure there is nothing personal in it. If you questioned his ideas in front of the others and he was not able to defend them, it maybe made him feel like you are trying to question not only his ideas but also his position. Maybe you were questioning his ideas too sharply? Or it was his insulted pride, he envied you your skill to highlight your ideas. Especially if you worked under him and knew him well as he was your friend, I would suggest to be more careful about open disagreements.
Anyways, in my opinion, his reaction was very inappropriate to the situation. In your place, I would firstly talk to him and make him to "recollect" you in the list. Other way would go straight to director, tell him about the "forgetting" and ask him to offer you an accommodation.
Kateřina
Thanks for your reply Katerina. I think you are right, I should have approached him personally before tossing my ideas in the meetings. However, I thought of himself as a friend and it never occured to me that he could be so offended by what I did. But in the end, I did get the accommodation by informing the club's director that there was a mistake and my name was not on my list. So after appealing they approved my application.
DeleteHi Hasan,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear this story. It was not wrong for you to suggest a better idea which is contrast to that of your friend's. However, to prevent conflict, you should improve empathy and, to solve the problem, you have to manage your feeling.
Empathy is understanding and entering into another's feeling. In other words, when you oppose other people, you need to think what they may feel. In your case, your friend may feel that you embarrassed him in front of a committee. Moreover, your friend has a higher position, which makes he think he are not supposed to be disagreed in the meeting. You may consider having a meeting in your own department before having a meeting with others so that you and your friend are able to avert conflicts in the meeting.
That is how to prevent this situation. However, your conflict has already occurred and you need to solve it. In my opinion, you have to manage feeling, throwing away your grudges and starting over with your friend. You should tell him how you do feel about this situation and explain that your told him your feeling because you want to continue your relationship.
Anyway, I am happy for you that you can get the accommodation. In addition, I wish you could continue your friendship with your friend. :)
Thanks for your reply Jae. I know what you mean, it would have really helped if I talked with him about my ideas before pitching them in the meeting. But what done is done I guess. And I did get the accommodation through appealing so no harm done. We are friends again as he understood his mistake and I didn't complain about him. I told our club's director that he left my name out mistakenly and I had to make an appeal application. So yeah, all's well that ends well right? :)
DeleteThis is a very interesting and relevant scenario, Hasan, one that you describe well. How often do people wrk in teams with friends and then discover that the friendship is being hurt by some work-related disagreement? What adds to this is that your friend was also responsible for reporting on the "quality" of your work.
ReplyDeleteYou've boiled the dilemma down to an appropriate question, but it needs reviewed for tense (along with a few others).
1) But I didn’t pay too much attention to it as I thought they were only temporary and became busy with the event instead.
>>>
But I didn’t pay too much attention to it as I thought his attitude was only temporary, and again I became busy with the event instead.
2) The director told me I wasn’t offered accommodation because according to him, I hadn’t even applied for it!
>>>
The director told me I wasn’t offered accommodation because he was under the impression that I hadn’t even applied for it!
3) So, how could I have avoided a situation like this, where my own friend sabotages my housing arrangement?
>>>
So, how could I have avoided a situation like this, where my own friend sabotageD my housing arrangement?
Thanks for the fine effort!
Thanks a lot Brad for your reply. Seems I used wrong tenses in many sentences. Thanks for pointing them out!
DeleteEvery blog post I am making a lot of language mistakes, I am really disappointed. I think I have to revise more before posting. I will try harder next time.